29 January 2010

I'm A Believer

I'm not an atheist anymore. I watched this YouTube clip and I saw the error of my ways. I had no idea that I disproved evolution just by making breakfast.

Not only am I a Believer now, but I'm going to start my own Church of Peanut Butter. It deserves to be worshiped as the miracle food that it is.

Things I Shouldn't Have to Tell The People Who Mail Me Things I Order Over The Phone As Part of My Professional Duties

"Masmith" is NOT  NOW, nor has it EVER BEEN, a surname. Even Google knows that.

23 January 2010

Driven to Tears

Last night I got caught up in the Haiti telethons, I found them to be oddly watchable. I think something about them appeals to the part of me that likes awards shows. Generally, I tend to avoid anything having to do with Ben Mulroney, but my affinity for celebrities asking for my money somehow outweighs my hatred of him. I must be more shallow than I previously suspected.

An open letter to the giant squid in “Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep”

If you are not already acquainted with Giant Squid, and wish to become so, you might not want to read this as it might be TMI for you.

Dear Giant Squid,

Firstly, let me say, I was really looking forward to meeting you. I recently met your colleague Megalodon and enjoyed my time with him immensely. I was so pleased to learn that a) you even existed and b) I would soon be able to spend a Friday evening with you.

Secondly, if I may be so rude, let me say what a disappointment you were. Some of that disappointment is my fault, afterall I was expecting you to be a giant octopus. However, most of my disappointment is you fault, and not just because you were oddly lacking in any dermal texture and your movements were, for the most part, completely unnatural.

01 January 2010


I've been looking forward to Shark Attack 3: Megalodon because it has a) John Barrowman (Captain Jack from Doctor Who and Torchwood); b) giant, prehistoric sharks; c) bad special effects; and d) no chance of being good at all. I couldn't wait to see it.

So, what is the "plot" you ask? Silly reader. From what I could gather from the poorly enunciated exposition, some evil multinational telecommunications company is laying down a fibre optic cable in the ocean, connecting North, Central and South America with Australia and some Pacific rim countries. The electromagnetic field is like Megalodon-nip and draws a scampy little Megalodon baby from his nursery grounds in The Deep Ocean. This cable is presumably the biggest and baddest cable to have ever been laid in the Pacific, because none of the other millions of miles of cables have had the power to draw the Megalodons from The Deep, where they have been living unseen through the entirely of human existence. (Don't get me wrong, I know there are countless species we've never even seen because they live in the deep ocean trenches, but, if I remember correctly from my Deep Sea Biology course, the biomass in the deep ocean is relatively small. The deep ocean is not that productive and I really don't think that a Megalodon (let alone a school of Megalodons) could have survived billions of years on dumbo octopi and ctenophores without occasionally venturing into the coast for a seal or two.)