The Loser is...

I thought I’d give a commentary of the Oscars for the benefit of the people who a) didn’t watch it or b) didn’t watch it with me. I probably won’t stay up for all of it, and I haven’t had supper yet so there might be some gaps in my comments, but here we go.

6:40pm – Steve Carell! Yeah!

6:45pm – James Bond struts on stage. Nicole Kidman is presenting with him, and I think she just mispronounced “girls.” That reminds me, during a practice run of the talk I recently presented at a conference in Regina, I was trying to say “Alberta Sustainable” and instead I said “Albertable.”

6:59pm – Two kids come out to present an award. The scripted banter is not funny, which is disappointing but not surprising. Hmm, I think the person who won Best Animated Short is a Canadian. How cute that they had two short people present the awards for Best Short Films. I don’t think the Oscar writers are trying very hard this year.

7:11pm – A “sounds effects” choir. Very, very, very odd. And they all look kind of….ridiculous.

7:13pm - Steve Carell! Again! Yeah!

7:17pm – I don’t know who this presenter is, but I love his accent. I really wish they would present an award I cared even a little about.

7:21pm – Okay, a major award. I hope Alan Arkin wins… yeah! He actually won! Man, my dinner sucked. I haven’t gone grocery shopping (oh, crap! interpretive dance!) in almost two weeks, so you can imagine that the only things I have left in my house are either old or freeze dried.

7:33pm – An Inconvenient Truth has a theme song? Sung by Melissa Ethridge? How do you write a theme song for a movie about climate change? Is that the lead singer from Nickelback? What is going on?! The guy playing back-up guitar looks like the blonde guy from Nickleback. Poor, poor Al Gore. He can’t be funny, I think it’s a genetic defect, like people who can’t smell, or cry. Apparently, the Oscars have gone green; that’s cool, I admit. It’s pretty amazing how much good his movie has done, but still he can’t be funny.

7:44pm – Woohoo! Happy Feet won! That movie rocks!

7:45pm – A clip montage based on the portrayal of writers in film. They have to have a clip from Misery in here, and Sunset Boulevard! Well, they got Misery, but barely. And meanwhile they have ninety clips from Shakespeare in Love and even a bunch from The Shining. And they only showed the end of Sunset Boulevard. I really think they’re dropping the ball this year.

7:51pm – I hope Children of Men wins Best Adapted Screenplay. It was such a great movie. Boo! It lost.

8:05pm – Tom Cruise. Creepy. He’s presenting some kind of lifetime achievement award or something, so I can pretty much just tune out for a while.

8:25pm – Another montage. I missed the introduction, but I think it’s all foreign films.

8:33pm – Ahh, George Clooney.

8:34pm - It’s Abigail Brelin’s category! Wow, the chick from American Idol looks nervous. Holy crap, the girl from American Idol won. And now she’s crying; she can barely talk, I can’t understand what she’s saying. Ha! She’s like me right before I give a talk! I’ll bet Beyonce is really pissed.

8:54pm – Another montage, but I had the TV muted so again, I have no clue as to the theme. I think its movie music, or movie musicals. Or maybe it’s one composer in particular.

8:57pm – Sweet holy mother! Celine Deion?! I can’t reach mute fast enough.

9:09pm – I just had a brilliant idea! It came to me while watching Wolverine (or, as he insists on calling himself, “Hugh Jackman”) present an award. This is the key to making long, long awards shows more interesting: make sure all the awards presenters are hot guys with accents. Hollywood is full of men with accents, let them speak! Give them tuxes and stick them on stage!

9:13pm – I hope Little Miss Sunshine wins Best Screenplay. Woohoo! It won!

9:27pm – Songs from Dreamgirls. I have to give kudos to the other female star of Dreamgirls that no one ever talks about. Her dress is gorgeous, and she looks way better than Beyonce and that girl from American Idol. I swear, one of the people nominated for Best Song plays a medical examiner on CSI:NY.

9:36pm - "A Look at America" though it’s movies. I can’t place this music, is it from Edward Scissorhands? And what’s a clip from Superman doing here?

9:45pm – It’s the annual Montage of Dead People! I recognized a surprising number. Oh, this is a horrible way to find out people are dead! Peter Boyle ? Darren McGavin ? I didn’t know they were dead!

9:51pm – I think I was wrong about that guy from CSI:NY, the guy at the Oscars just looks like him. (Unrelated aside: I really dislike IMDB’s new format).

9:52pm – Whoa, Philip Seymour Hoffman looks awful. Like, really, truly, terrible.

9:57pm – I don’t think I like the interpretive dance segments. They are mercifully short, but I don’t know if I can ever like interpretive dance. This has to end soon, right? Right? I should really just give up and post this now so Kimmy has something to read when she gets to work tomorrow morning.

10:01pm - A real award! I hope the Canadian wins. But he didn’t. Too bad. Forrest Whittaker looks pretty happy, though.

10:13pm – Hey, this looks like the end! This is the big award. The winner is…..The Departed. Okay, I can go to bed. One good thing about living in the west is that even when the Oscars runs long, it’s not even 11pm yet.